Random brain droppings

An entire week has flown by since my last visit here. I have to say, you all are PRO-LIF-IC posters. My Bloglines and email overflow-eth. So, here are the thrilling (and I use that term loosely) highlights of the past week:

1) I had the rare back-to-back all-nighters on call. It nearly killed me. I used to be able to take it in stride but now I am mowed over after one all-nighter. During office hours after the second night, I am convinced I was down to babbling and drooling as communication. Many of my patients are parents so it all worked out fine.

2) I need to work out A LOT more. The unmedicated birthin' gals are starting to get physically challenging for me. One was planned unmedicated but she was a strong lass with an attitude. Fortunately she did well with redirective/focused coaching and learned that it wasn't the best choice to kick me with every contraction. The other gal, who nearly had me end up in traction, had a labor of about an hour in its entirety. Fortunately it was quick but she got to prepare herself for nada. She is a spirited one and I am telling you I earned my gold medal in baby-catching from a moving target on that one. I also managed to learn some words I've never heard before. I have quite the salty vocabulary at times so that's an impressive feat. All is well for all....just a few bruises for me ;0)

3) I was puked on by my cat and barely raised my eyebrow (I'm ready for motherhood).

4) I was puked on by me and barely raised my eyebrow (Yep, still ready).

5) I tore off my temporary crown because I forgot for the briefest of moments that 'Starburst' are not friends of dental work. I just glued the critter back on with oldster denture cream until I get the permanent placed next week. I just hope Fixodent sees me through. Yeah, I LOVED buying that. I felt like throwing Depends, Geritol and laxatives in the cart for good measure (yeah, kill me, I'm stereotyping a cart).

6) I got my Mac hooked up to run Windoze also. Now, I AM a bit of a Mac snoblet and would usually not do this but I was forced. We have a new hospital system that allows me to view fetal heart tracings, etc. at home but it only runs on the Windoze platform. I had to go there...I felt dirty ;0) But, it was worth the sacrifice because now when the skittish nurses call me at 3AM I can see what is concerning them at the same time. Of course, doing this has me jacked up on a few Mac things for now but I'll get my computer tidiness back in line eventually.

7) Why does my yard seem to get bigger every summer? At least it takes more time to get it in order. Must.not.complain....LOVE the yard.

8) Anyone know how to get a skunk out from under your deck without something awful happening? I think a little skunk family has moved in under there. When the breeze is right you can tell and there is a small section of lattice neatly removed. There's no way I'm crawling under there! I'll probably be calling skunk busters because I'd be afraid to try any of the suggestions. My sense of adventure does NOT include going head-to-head with a skunk...or four. That is one game I know I would lose.

9) Just a word of advice. Do not, in a fit of desperation, buy undies at Meijer while doing the grocery shopping. It has been my unfortunate experience to learn that one should never buy their undies where they buy their eggs ;0) 'Nuf said. Make the extra stop and get yourself decent drillies.

10) I have been having one great summer. Since it is still sunny outside that window next to me, I am out of here to keep enjoying it. I'll catch up when the rain falls later and I am forced inside.

11) Enjoy your own corner of the world....hope all is well.

So that's what that is.

It seems I have been following this blog forever. What a lucky family to see their beautiful daughter at last. As well, their new daughter is one fortunate girl too. She will always know tremendous love. I looked at her referral picture last night and it is just staying with me. I gazed at that little face and those hauntingly beautiful eyes and it really struck home that my turn is really not all that far away now. I swallowed.....hard.

I have been busy today doing the manual labor of landscape taming (ugh). Throughout the day I have felt jumpy, a little ill, and distracted (good time to operate machinery with whirring blades, huh? ;0). Finally, when I plopped down and stared at something mindless on TV, I found myself crying over an old episode of 'Cold Case'. What????? This is really not me. I was completely out of sorts.

I walked upstairs in a house quiet enough to hear every little creak and dropped into the tub. Silence all around. Not much longer. I felt the tightening of panic. It dawned on me what has been going on all day. It is pure, unadulterated fear. Can I do this? Can I take the responsibility for this little life and not mess it up? How will it all settle out with work? with call? with finances? with my life that, heretofore, has been on my own terms? Can I really give her everything she needs? How do I KNOW what she really needs? Why do I feel so clueless? I am it...the one, the only parent. Wow. Wow. Wow. This will be the most important thing I ever do.

All this stuff is racing through my mind. Yes, I know it will all work out and we will both be fine but it still doesn't stop that feeling of terror while the unknowns are out there. I am surprised that I am having such hugely intense concerns. I shy away from very little and it takes pretty much to rattle my cage. I admit it, the cage bars are shaking right now. I know I see my pregnant patients go through these feelings quite often. It is a healthy part of taking on the parenting role no matter the route you take to becoming a parent. Still, I start over-thinking myself and that just really keeps the merry-go-round of anxieties going.

The one thing I know for sure is that the best IS yet to come...even though I am realistic and know there will be times I wonder what in the world happened to both of our lives.

Good stuff.

Look at the LID ticker above. I'm now 900 days into the official wait with 24 calendar days to be referred until life changes forever. I'm really starting to thoroughly believe I can make it the rest of the way. I can see the faintest glimmer of light ahead...just hope it isn't the train engine ;0)

It's only a matter of months now and I'm having palpitations. February 2006 is up next!

PS: The new name is meeting warm reception thus far. I decided what was a strong contender has now won the position. Only then did I let the cat out of the bag to some in my daily life. I got a kick out of an online business where I ordered the letters of her name (initially I ordered 'Jadyn' and they have been on her dresser mirror for ages). I was only able to recycle one letter into the new name. The company actually contacted me and asked if I had forgotten a letter in my order. I will say that was a good eye. I didn't think they paid any attention to what you were trying to spell and I never told them. I did reassure him that I wasn't spelling the name without an 'A' - it was just that I already had it. Nice customer service though.

PPS: Thank you SO much for the kitchen kudos. Yep, I did do it all and it really wasn't all that difficult. It WAS time-consuming and messy however. Not up to do that again any time soon. Also, someone had asked if I was hit for fees on my re-certification. Nope, it seems my employer had already gotten on it. (They are motivated in that they don't want me without hospital privileges. My being there lets them sleep at night - literally ;0) I am overwhelmed by efficiency!

No more poutin' over the groutin'

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

The pictures lost some resolution in the slide show. I LOVE how the backsplash came together though. Looks better in person in my opinion. Now, not much else I can do to this place... I'm thoroughly ready to have no time to work on the house for years.

As for now, it's my call weekend and I am right there with it on China time. Up all night and snooze during the day (I hope). I did catch a little guy on 8-8 who weighed 8-8. No, he wasn't born at 8:08, nor even in the 8s, but the date/weight were good enough for me. I'm looking at it as a little good luck omen...despite the fact that he took a pooper on me. Work with me here. I want it to mean something good ;0)

See ya on the flip side of the call weekend.

Lowering the bar of expectation

It came to me today how much I have lowered my expectations when it comes to dealings with any 'official' body. After the frustrations of the adoption paperwork, re-fingerprinting (don't get me started) and periods of conflicting information I have come to expect very little and am pleasantly surprised with anything more. I realized, today, how I have transferred that expectant acceptance of things being far more difficult than necessary to other parts of my life.

My professional certification is due to expire in a few months. I can legally practice without it but, well, it would not be looked upon highly in the least. Think 'board-certified'. Once certified one certainly does not want to lapse. Actually it is in my delivering hospital's requirements that I remain certified (not like I had any other plan). Just as I have been musing and making a plan for the mountains of paperwork I was going to have to get together to gain my re-certification, I got a surprise. I assumed that I may need to produce DNA this go-around so the certifying body really knows it is me (Am I kidding? You guess ;0). Then, submit the DNA again on a rainy Tuesday in case it had changed since the first submission (After all, I can be a bit of a mutant ;0). I was ready for a major PIA to say the least.

I walked to my mailbox this afternoon and....BOOM! No, it wasn't a mail bomb. It was a very official envelope from my certifying body. I thought: "Great, here it comes. The bureaucratic equivalent of a strip search." I opened the envelope and a renewed certificate falls out on the dirty garage floor. Okay, so I actually dropped it in shock. There was a letter with the 8-year renewal that stated all my prior submissions were up-to-date and they had gathered the information needed to approve my renewal. That was all. I am re-certified. They didn't request repetition of the same old stuff. They were, dare I say, logical. I still can hardly believe it. It went so smoothly that I am now suspicious. How pathetic is that?

Eight years until I certify again. I just may be home with my kiddo by then. That 8 years gives me plenty of time to complete required education and workshops. I'm actually happy to do it....I like to stay fresh (just ask anyone ;0)

So, I am two for two. I get my free I600A AND my re-certification was painless. What next?

Enjoy.

Lotta little bits

Sounds like a name for some new doll creation but, nah, it's just another rambling post of quick points.

1) Of primary importance is a huge 'thank you' to all of you who had such nice comments when I was snarling and whining. I'm over it...for now ;0) It is amazing how restoring a few words can be. But, here's one of the reasons I hate the phrase 'hang in there' so much. It's my new visual associated with these words:

Yeah, yeah. Hang in there. Thppptt!

2) I am nearly finished with the backsplash. It's all that waiting a day or two between steps that is killing the time at this point. I have to say I am quite pleased with how it came out and will make the creation its own little slide show when it is completely finished. Anyone in the market for a wet saw? Dirty little tool that is!

3) Though I already knew in theory, I got to test out the wisdom of giving a woman an induction date and time and then saying "Oh, jingles, I forgot I'm on vacation that day. I can't do it." I now know exactly what 'crestfallen' looks like and it's almost as power-packed as my pal Stacy's 'teacher' look (she could strike the fear into a hardened criminal..or even a teenager). Needless to say, my gal kept her induction time and I'm doing it. To make mama wait after scheduling her would have been cruel. Besides, I can think of far worse things to be doing.

4) Hmmm....I have fallen to 'single-woman' vacation time this go-around. It seems that is the only time I have the time to do the major stuff around the house that I don't get to in the day to day. Yeah, and people think basking on the beaches of Hawaii is better than that!

5) I'm really not complaining. All nearly any of us reading this entry right now need do is take a hard look around and we can realize how amazingly fortunate we all are. I've seen some families going through some hard times lately and, wow, does that ever straighten out one's perspective on what is worth whining about.

6) I WILL get my free extension I600A. Yeehaw to that bit of news. I can shorten my night time grinding duration now. No I800A for me. I feel safe saying I won't need to renew a fourth time. Glad to have that all straightened out.

7) When I went to GA and in the 8 days following I dropped 9 pounds. Don't know why. No complaints. But, now I am behaving (for the most part) and not one iota more will come off and, believe me, there's certainly more to go. I am thinking it is a sign that I am supposed to move to GA and get skinny. Ah well, not in my cards now, so I'll keep battling the Ohio fluff. Buckeye, anyone?

8) There really is not anything in this world more important than family and friends. How is it that we can lose sight of that sometimes?

9) Had a lovely day with friends down Kentucky south this past weekend. How is it that the time spent just hanging out and talking seemed to fly by in minutes? I look forward to the next time already.

10) At the rate time is going, I have no grief with accepting that it is going to be next year before I travel to China. It will be here in the blink of an eye. Okay, I admit it, I don't relish the idea of seeing the spring buds on the trees before I go. Anything before that and I am good. After that, I may get fussy again. I can only wrap the head around small chunks at a time.

11) Pad Thai, anyone? Mmmmm....in the plans.

Shootin' whiny bullets

• I have been in a quandary of late. It'll sort itself out but let's just say I was in the mood to SAW today. I was a sawing fool and the backsplash is now ready to be grouted and sealed.
  
• Can there BE anymore roadblocks in this adoption wait?
• Can anyone tell me if they successfully filed an I-600A for the third time? Say, perhaps you kept up to date but missed your free renewal timeline (like I did) and then got it on time #3 (like it looks like I won't). I thought that was the scenario. Now it is looking like it is not. So, not only will I pay in full every single time but will have to do the I800A....yes, I know.
  
• I still feel like the whole thing will fall apart at the last minute. Right now, I genuinely do.
  
• I'm thinking I need a second job just to help keep USC1S rolling in it.
• I'm SICK and TIRED of waiting...there I said it. I'm over it with the sunny attitude at the moment and that doesn't make anything 'wrong' with me.
• I think I actually like the dental drill that makes your whole skull rattle. It's less annoying than a lot of other things have been lately. With the latest concerns, I'll be spending more time at la dentista. I don't see an end to grinding in sight anytime soon. I'm surprised I haven't snapped my jaw in two at this rate ;0)
  
• It's just the frustration talking. I simply don't want to hear 'hang in there' one more time. It is coming up on 3 years that I formally started the process. I know I'm not alone and many of you are on the ride with me but I swear to you this wait has taken me to dark places I never imagined. I do fine until I have to renew, renew, renew and still don't have a child. (No, please do not tell me I need help. I'm fine...normally happy. The situation sucks and I cannot 'choose not to let it get to me' 24/7.)
• I get out of all this concern if I complete the adoption by early January when my current paperwork expires (insert maniacal laughter here). I've got a lot of faith in THAT happening. I dare the forces to prove me wrong.
  
• No, I will not quit. But, every now and then I am allowed to fantasize about the amount of worry it would take off of me to walk away. So, like many of you, I get to make the hard parenting choices of staying in paperwork limbo for my kid without ever seeing my kid....for years.
  
• I'm trying to convince myself of that 'darkest before the dawn' crap. I'm doing well, don't you think? Okay, maybe not.
  
• There. I am finished venting and will eventually return to my 'usual' self.
• This has to end....soon.